Nihilism fills me with Emptiness just Look into my eyes You’lll see a Hollow life I’m not trying to be Negative I am not Belittling your Existence for You are the bright Conflict clashing with This unbelief and I need that so Please Keep telling me I’m wrong and In the meantime I’ll Count the minutes with Red tallies and Warm myself in Their afterglow until You can grab Hold of me Again and Dance with me to The brink of Pointless happi- Ness
There’s a crowd of you Tethering me to your earth Clinging and clutching With the weight of your Potential tears And hurt and Pain and I love you and I can’t Leave you and so I’ll try to always Thank you Tomorrow
Diving under ice Leaving clothes, rings and Glittering expense Burning on the shore Kicking down into Indefinable ideas and thoughts Inescapable futures clutching at Your ankles your Throat Not breathing in the bleak cold Inhaling infinity instead and Choking but still Grasping gasping to get Further into this Blackness Searching as skins stops Screaming and Numbs unfeeling to Protect against the Inevitable You’re Fishing in a pool of Neverland
Colours of hats and how many stars Henry has Got on his chart and did you know Sarah’s expecting Again? Oh and Tilly’s getting married in August you Should see the ring Oh it’s gorgeous and I bought these New plates but they don’t quite match the Walls Terribly frustrating Did I mention Emily’s won The certificate again? Oh I love your new hair Did you go To that place by the golf course? (You terrify me with your tirade of Banality and its grasping groping Inevitability) Please Shut up.
They say this is all just Chemical imbalance In my brain Things aren’t working like they’re Supposed to I never did like chemistry Those experiments never did do What they were supposed to (Physics is so much better Special relativity is so much nicer On this brain of mine)
You said Promise me Promise me you’ll not do that Again I looked into your eyes and said Nothing (I don’t like to make Promises I can’t keep) But you made me promise Anyway (And today I whispered Sorry To you from Miles away)
Trying to Reach out Explain But your eyes Can’t focus on The motion of The mutation of My mind But I think If you squint You can find a blur Writhing on the surface of This wriggling mass Beyond my foggy red eyes The creeping tendril of thought that This is futile (Still We try It’s just that sometimes I wonder why)
Friendship’s built a wall between us Hugs hide our expressions My face pressed into your shoulder Smothering the truths I’m trying to tell Our shared giggles and little secrets Sugar sweet smiles Fill our time with suffocating cheer With a barrier of brightness So even when I’m screaming It’s behind a grin Because now I can only be happy around you (Only pretend around you) and I do love you I do But that’s all I can say to you now That’s true
Water calm as oil Reflects land with gentle opinion Sways in the arms of itself Water smooth as rippled silk Now ripped apart by Steady determination of steel Of manmade fury But healing itself Always healing with Its own Cold blue blood
Just a brief note to those who are interested: I’m away as of this evening to the Isle of Muck with some of my fine friends for five days so will be unable to gain internet access. Rest assured though, that I shall do my best to seek inspiration from the West coast and the sea (I do love the sea) so there will be much posting of scribbles on my return.
Also, when I say five days, I’m hitchhiking back from Mallaig so it may be more like eight or nine…
I met a girl who was Dying to be lovesick So I fed her sweet fairy tales And bitter tasting stories Until she vomited Pink sparkling puke I wiped her mouth and said At least your heart didn’t break Into two bloody parts At least you’re alive Still dying to be lovesick?
Your fingers smell of roast chicken Greasy death Lingering greed billows from your Oven hot lungs Your smile is lubricated With succulent fat Lips of lard smeared liver Looming like two slugs oiled and Too smooth Too close
Lights flash Emotions sparkle Thoughts coruscate Fly round this enclosed sky Electric feelings Shock my mind Deep roars hit Fragile bone Skull vibrates Brain shudders Noise howls with expectation Getting closer Closer Shaking, I wonder- Thunder or Fireworks This time?
Weariness wraps around thoughts with leaden weights Pulls them into depths of heaviness Of your stomach Sick with empty exhaustion Appetite consumed by the power of Helplessness in this dense ambush of fatigue Drags you underneath (Bubbles of life stream to the surface) Drags you below (Eyes close to keep this abyss at bay) Drags you low and (Body surrenders to the flow The inertia of the inevitable) And drags you down Down (Drown) Down you go
Sit next to me please Put your hand on my knee Press your body into the passenger seat Let me feel your presence; your heat Talk Talk and tell me that you’re here Whisper words as I change gear (I need you near) I need your life to stand strong and guard (Mine’s become a throw away card) I need to know that if I give in To these urges and their beguiling grins There’ll be more than my blood spilt and splattered There’ll be more than my own bones shattered There’ll be me and then- Then there’ll be you- I need to know that I’d kill two
We dressed you up In fluid mirror images In glinting diamonds forged from the Crushed carbon of your bones We placed you on a pedestal And paraded you through our dry and dusty town And you danced with softness and beauty Because it was all you had been Taught to do Our glass doll Too precious to live Made only to perform (And should you break We will pick you up And press you together And cover up the cracks With glitter and glue)
Steady slice Down your stomach, Through your skin - Skin soft in love. Scalpel draws a line, Red colours it - You spill out All liquid disorder, Heart lungs liver. I expected more; You were so organised In love, In life - Surely your organs Should be shelved? Labelled and boxed? But they’re…
I’d like to believe, please Take some of my rationality I’ve divided it into equal parts Take whatever you need I don’t mind I don’t care I just want to believe
Logic doesn’t keep you warm It rips apart the visions you wrapped around yourself Exposes you to the cutting knives of reality A skull won’t protect you from it Your mind is jelly beneath razor blades Just grey matter now lying in Slices -like processed ham- ready to Be consumed Chewed and considered Bite by bite No, rationality is poor armour
I hide behind perception But it’s a thin veil and the world It’s too real Too sharp My feet are bloody from treading this Bed of nails My eyes are blinded by the shock of truth My head’s a mess of madness Because I need something Between me and Everything I’d like to believe, please
Shattered fairy tale Chipped princesses Faces cracked with sadness Walls hang in tatters Like ripped and bloodied tapestries Seductive stories of fantasy Broken into shards of truth Blowing in the cold wind Purging this castle of Weak imagination Diaphanous make-believe With unforgiving breath There’s no room in this world For flimsy dreams
tonight we fight fires with more flames throw alcohol down our throats to burn burn away thoughts burn away minds liquid ignition in the pits of us exhaling smoke into each other’s mouths exhausting the speed of living fast wounded whiskey flickers to fumes cauterising gaping chasms slow-sipped scotch simmers light dancing on lips ceasing to bleed healing as we burn
I had a dream In which you Pulled me towards Your lips and Kissed me and told me You loved me Then I woke up Fell asleep and dreamed that you Raced a rubber duck Filled with ribena Down a stream With no water in it I’ll leave it to you To interpret
Eyes circled with exaggerated Black expression Lips stained red An attempt to capture passion In a kiss Skin a flawless canvas The perfect picture Painted for you to rip apart (The colours feel better blurred And dripping)