painted pink cheeks blush with artificial cheer and smiles leap from ear to ear with laughter echoing from inside your fear is growing but coated in comedy jokes bounce off your grin dribble down red stains on your chin up with defiance this will be your last dance so come take my hand and move to the melody melancholy aches but we will not end in tragedy
they’ve got names for this twisting of minds grinding like pistons always pushing and pounding with steam going round and pressure up rising not released through this sighing or sobbing blood letting and gushing not dripping with manic momentum red growing red flowing and draining and hoping they’ve got names for this because this this is not coping this needs diagnosing and you’re beginning to wonder if you’d give in to doping because without some control you’ll be giving up hoping
chasing and racing and perpetually falling only just forwards into futures not quite failing but clinging and clutching to skid and collide with anyone living so speaking and screaming stumbling and stealing warming kisses and hugging holding hands that are leading now linking now loving now loosening now losing your grip now and perpetually falling down
My lungs and legs can’t keep up with my head and my head can’t keep up with my heart because it’s beating beating beat ing ar- rhy- thmically and it’s stopping and starting. Stalling and stealing because it can’t hold onto any thing.
and the stars are just memories lighting our future with their now glittering past dust turned to sparkle and so we will disintegrate in time so cry for now but remember one day you too will shine and make the eyes below glisten with the beauty of hope
There’s no advice I can give you No other truth I can tell you No wisdom I can pass on So I’ll just say that I Love you And I know that’s not enough For you But it’s enough for us And we will endure Longer than this pain And in the meantime I’ll Hold you And you can pretend these arms aren’t mine I’ll do the remembering For now Whilst you forget everything In his warmth Because I will not preach But try to understand and I’ll Always Love you
Aching with lack and muddling over what who should be where here with me and thinking doesn’t help but argues continually with itself its logic its love it’s life it’s light so I’m lost but only whispering for help because I do not get lost with my logic and compass and map but doubt has dripped in and wrinkled the inky roads so I can only see the stars- I’ve never navigated by the stars. (I think I might need some help. Help me please. Please take my hand and lift me up to your side to burn.)
Three flies flicker overhead Decorating the ceiling with ballet I stand below Looking up Wishing I could move with such lightness And I sway with the ache Something I cannot place There’s a you in it somewhere Or a darkness shaped like you Smelling of you and Smiling like you But the only darkness in my room Are the three flies Pirouetting hovering and They are the only things my longing can Focus on So I stand below Looking up And sway with This heavy pain of beauty and Sickness
Dreams and softness and wet Touch. You are always on the Edge of my vision. You are Hiding behind my eyelashes: there When I close my eyes but Out of view when I’m looking. I can see the reflection of sun Of light off your happy eyes, Happy teeth, but the mirror of My longing cannot be Placed. Step onto the stage, Please. I want to adore You.
ache reverberates shuddering as heavy thoughts echo clanging expectations weighty fail shrugging off responsibility with strangling rope hopes dream of flight capture longing and freedom explodes to star dust falling snow on a numb earth
assumptions scrawled in indelible ink (caution- may stain) white sheets smeared splashed with tears hot burning accusations blur outline lies with truth singular silhouette in blotches of black eyes glaring with determined guilt of the damned- assumptions spoken in unsayable words (caution- may stain)
Ink your name across my Hands always Hold you slip My feet into your Shoes feet Walk in step Wherever I Go rub your Smell behind My ears colour sounds With warm scents of Our thoughts Tattoo your eyes onto My irises brown and Blue watch the world Together
(All this I would do if You weren’t already Part of me Part of us)
beauty painted across walls in bright murals shooing away darkness voices echo clear enchanting haunting back through to forth harmonising with joy colouring the vibrations running deliciously over bare skin trembles with delight of pulsing life under clarity of unbelief sharpening images dancing with vitality into the shadows for there’s no light at the end of this tunnel so smiling so laughing enjoy the walk
We were born into the same two Tender hearts Together into the same four Warm arms Soft and vulnerable we Solidified into Siblings smiling and Laughing until time taught us Sadness too to Strengthen us through Compression under heavy Pain so now We are hard and Strong support but Always Ready to melt back into Flowing embrace of Love at the call of Sister
Nihilism fills me with Emptiness just Look into my eyes You’lll see a Hollow life I’m not trying to be Negative I am not Belittling your Existence for You are the bright Conflict clashing with This unbelief and I need that so Please Keep telling me I’m wrong and In the meantime I’ll Count the minutes with Red tallies and Warm myself in Their afterglow until You can grab Hold of me Again and Dance with me to The brink of Pointless happi- Ness
There’s a crowd of you Tethering me to your earth Clinging and clutching With the weight of your Potential tears And hurt and Pain and I love you and I can’t Leave you and so I’ll try to always Thank you Tomorrow
Diving under ice Leaving clothes, rings and Glittering expense Burning on the shore Kicking down into Indefinable ideas and thoughts Inescapable futures clutching at Your ankles your Throat Not breathing in the bleak cold Inhaling infinity instead and Choking but still Grasping gasping to get Further into this Blackness Searching as skins stops Screaming and Numbs unfeeling to Protect against the Inevitable You’re Fishing in a pool of Neverland
Colours of hats and how many stars Henry has Got on his chart and did you know Sarah’s expecting Again? Oh and Tilly’s getting married in August you Should see the ring Oh it’s gorgeous and I bought these New plates but they don’t quite match the Walls Terribly frustrating Did I mention Emily’s won The certificate again? Oh I love your new hair Did you go To that place by the golf course? (You terrify me with your tirade of Banality and its grasping groping Inevitability) Please Shut up.
They say this is all just Chemical imbalance In my brain Things aren’t working like they’re Supposed to I never did like chemistry Those experiments never did do What they were supposed to (Physics is so much better Special relativity is so much nicer On this brain of mine)
You said Promise me Promise me you’ll not do that Again I looked into your eyes and said Nothing (I don’t like to make Promises I can’t keep) But you made me promise Anyway (And today I whispered Sorry To you from Miles away)
Trying to Reach out Explain But your eyes Can’t focus on The motion of The mutation of My mind But I think If you squint You can find a blur Writhing on the surface of This wriggling mass Beyond my foggy red eyes The creeping tendril of thought that This is futile (Still We try It’s just that sometimes I wonder why)
Friendship’s built a wall between us Hugs hide our expressions My face pressed into your shoulder Smothering the truths I’m trying to tell Our shared giggles and little secrets Sugar sweet smiles Fill our time with suffocating cheer With a barrier of brightness So even when I’m screaming It’s behind a grin Because now I can only be happy around you (Only pretend around you) and I do love you I do But that’s all I can say to you now That’s true